There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid gettig hurt in arguments. they are the four f’s: fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these stances offers a short-term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive. Let’s explore each of these positions.
1.FIGHT. This stance definitely comes from men. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. Their motto is “the best defense is a strong offense.” They strike out by blaming, judgeing, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth they have lost.
INTIMIDATION ALWAYS WEAKENS TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP.
Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship. To muscle your way into getting what you want by making others look wrong is a sure way to fail in a relationship. When couple fight they gradually lose their ability to be open and vulnerable. Women close up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much. Gradually they lose whatever intimacy they had in the beginning.
2. FLIGHT. This stance also come from Mens. To avoid confrontation men may retire into their caves and necer come out. This is like a cold war. They refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passive-aggressive behavior is nor the same as talking a time-out and then coming back to talk and resolve things in a more loving fashion.
These men are afraid of confrontation and would rather lie low and avoid talking about any topics that may cause an argument. They walk on eggshells in a relationship. Women commonly complaine they have to walk on eggshells, but men do also. It is so ingrained in men that they don’t even realize how much they do it.
Rather than arguing, some couples will simply stop talking about their disagreement. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They do not come out and directly hurt their partner, like the fighter. Instead they indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. By withholding love our partners are sure to have less to give us.
3. FAKE. This stance comes from women. To avoid being hurt in a confrontation this person pretend that there is no problem. She puts a smile on her face and appears to be very agreeable and happy with everything. Over time, however, these women become increasingly resentful; they are always giving to their partner but they do not get what they need in return. This resentment block the natural expression of love.
To Avoid making waves, a women may even fool herself and believe that everything is OK, fine, and all right when it really isn’t. She sacrifices or denies her wants, feelings, and needs to avoid the possibility of conflict.
4. FOLD This stance also comes from women. Rather than argue this person gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves.
“A man once complained to me about his wife. He said, “I love her so much. She gives me everything I want. My only complaint is she is not happy.” His wife had spent twenty years denying herself for her husband. They never fought, and if you asked her about her relationship she would say “We have a great relationship. My husband is so loving. Our only problem is me. I am depressed and I don’t know why.” She is depressed because she has denied herself by being agreeable for twenty years.”
To please their partner these people intuitively sense their partner’s desires and then mold themselves in order to please. Eventually they resent having to give up themselves for love.
Any form of rejection is very painful because they are already rejecting themselves so much. They week to avoid rejection at all costs and want to be loved by all. In this process they literally give up who they are.