It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communication in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decrease. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. At such times, a request turns into an order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.
A man unknowing hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assume she is resisting the content of his point he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.
He was no idea that he is starting as argument; he think she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful to her.
When a man neglects to honor a woman’s hurts feelings he invalidates them and increase her hurt. It is hard for him to understand her hurt because he is not as vulnerable to uncaring comments and tones. Consequently, a man may not even realize how much he is hurting his partner and thus provoking her resistance.
Similarly, woman don’t realize how they are hurtful to men. Unlike a man, when a woman feels challenged the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man, especially when he is emotionally involved.
Woman start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner’s behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a woman neglects to buffer her negative feelings with massages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.
To avoid arguing we needs to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time-out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time-outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again