Women talk for a variety of reasons. Sometimes women talk for the same reasons that men stop talking. These are four common reasons that women talk:
1. To convey of gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.)
2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say. (He stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.)
3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his cave he has a chance to cool off.)
4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A man stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.)
Without this Vital understanding of our differences and needs it is easy too see why couple struggle so much in relationships.
GETTING BURNED BY THE DRAGON
Its is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready. While discussing this topic in one of my seminars, a Native American shared that in her tribe mothers would instruct young women getting married to remember that when a man was upset or stressed he would withdraw into his cave. She was not to take it personally because it would happen from time to time. It did not mean that he did not love her. They assured her that he would come back. But most important they warned the young woman never to follow him into his cave. If she did then she would get burned b the dragon who protected the cave.
Never go into a man’s cave or you will be burned by the dragon!
Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just haven’t understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset. When a man withdraws into his cave a woman just doesn’t understand what is happening. She naturally tries to get him to talk. If there is a problem she hopes to nurture him by drawing him out and getting him to talk about it.
She asks “Is there something wrong?” He says “No.” But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she unknowingly interrupted his internal process. She asks again “I know something is bothering you, what is it?”
He says “It’s nothing.”
She asks “It’s not nothing. Something’s bothering you. What are you feeling?”
He says “Look, I’m fine. Now leave me alone!”
She says “How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to know what you are feelings? You don’t love me. I feel so rejected by you.”
At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and burns her.